~Been gone for a while, had some major personal issues that I am sure I will be getting in to. :(

To be blunt, today sucked! Most days haven't been great but today was hard. In not so many words, end of October my husband told me he was done and there was nothing left for us to do. I never imagine my life this way, trading kids every other weekend and wishing he would say we could try again. I hate it, if we had just been who we really were insted of who we thought the other wanted us to be we wouldn't be like this now.

Babe~

I don't even know where to begin but I think in order to move on I will need to start writting. Why not here I don't picture you finding this but if you do it must be because you went looking. So here go's nothing. Everyday, well most days I wish you would say lets try again. I wanted to tell you today that why don't we get an apartment here where my parents can help me with the kids and you can be in the truck if that is what you wanted to do. Not that it wouldn't take a lot of work but I think if we both wanted to we could do it.

I don't know what you wanted from me. All I ever did was love you. I made you my everything, maybe that was the problem. But why then as soon as I ever wanted to did anything for myself did shit like this happen? I don't get it.

People tell me I'm better off, heck even you say I deserve better. Tell me why then are you all I want? Don't get me wrong I hate some of the things you do and things you don't do, but I still love you.

Life......

.......Been a few days since I posted so.

Nothing to interesting going on around here. Not sure what to write about.

So I did something that I regret more than anything last year at this time. I'm ashamed of myself for doing it, but also understand the reasons I did it. I am a married woman and started seeing a ex of mine. My marriage was horrible, I wasn't getting physically abused but there was defiantly some mental abuse.

We worked it out and are doing better than we ever have before. But I wonder about some things. Will I ever be able to go to a wedding without thinking about being unfaithfull? Will I ever go through my birthday with out thinking about the year my husband couldn't even call me. I wonder all the time what my hubby is thinking about it.

So to top it off, as if I haven't been thinking about it enough this week, the wife of my ex calls a couple days ago and is accusing me of wishing him a happy birthday. Which was not me, and they can't figure out who it is. I'm pretty sure that hubby knows it wasn't me but it doesn't make any of this easier. Reliving all of the emotions and sitrust is horrible.

Will it ever go away, no I know that. But I hope that some of his pain is gone.

Sweat Shirt Weather

While it may not be officially not on us yet, I am feeling the effects.

We recently moved to a beautiful part of Minnesota, by the Minnesota river Vally, with a reservation near by so there are many tree's to see change. During this time of year it to me it looks like Santa clause came early and plugged in the lights on the tree's. The colors are just breath taking.

I plan to rake up a leaf pile soon and take the kids out to play in it, maybe pictures to come. (babies are sick at the moment though so hopefully after they get better0

Halloween will be here soon! One of my favorite holidays. We are dressing up the kids and taking them around my old town this year. I'm excited to watch their faces while trick or treating for the first time!

However all of this leads to the HOLIDAY SEASON. That time of year that you stress about buying gifts that you a) don't have money for b) most likely the people won't use c)meanwhile you get gifts that you have no use for. Tell me why can't we just get together and enjoy peoples company? But getting together can be a disaster to. No matter how hard I try I piss some one off every year, tell me how to balance, my own family's Christmas, both sets of in laws, and my parents Christmas's? Not to mention that they all live a minimum of 50 mill es away and gas is not cheep the last time I checked!

I shouldn't get so worked up already, back to enjoying the leaves and sweatshirt weather!

Sleep Deprivation

Sleep Deprivation:

Waking up at 3 am only to find out that we need to go and bust up a "gathering" in our other apartment building. What are they doing at 3 am on a SUNDAY night?
~So hubs comes back at 3:25,
~infant wake up to eat, 3:55
~sick toddler wakes up,
~4-5 infant fussing,
~5:15 hubs alarm go's off!

What does sleep deprivation do to a person? Personally I'm half asleep, crabby, on edge, and just want to sleep. Meanwhile I have a lot of stuff to get done and not enough time to do it. At the moment class work is coming first, the house is a mess, the other building needs to be cleaned....ect ect ect.

The worst thing about being sleep deprived is there is nothing you can do about!

Wedding's

My favorite picture from our wedding, doing the stomp song!

So we attended a wedding this weekend, we'll be attending another next weekend. I also got to thinking about how many weddings were last year at this time and are being planned for in the up coming year.

A Wedding: Dreamed about as a little girl, planned in our heads with each crush as a young adults, months spend planning, and then the big day.

But what about after the big day. I don't know about everyone else but I can't go to a wedding without thinking, did they do this, I wish I did that, ect ect.

So here are my tips:

1. IT IS YOUR DAY! Don't let your parents, your friends or anyone else make you do something that you don't want to do. But also make sure that if there is something you've dreamed about since you were little it is included!
2. Go with the flow. Not everything will go the way you want it to but there is nothing you can do about it on that day, so don't let it ruin the whole thing.
3. Pay your photographer to come to reception. These are the pictures I wish I had. I remember what the church looked like along with everyone in the wedding. I still look back and wonder something about my reception. Make room in you budget for a good photographer and extra time for them to be there.
4. Remember why you are getting married! Weddings are stressful, there are no if and's or but about it. So in the mean time remember why you are getting married.
5. Write it down. The stuff you think you'll never forget at some point you will. So my advice is to write it down. Really you will, I've been marred for less than three years and have to ask about some of the details I thought I'd never forget.

That is it for now, I guess. Maybe I'll add more as they come to me.

Backwards

I feel like I did all of this backwards! I will be 24 in a week, I have two kids and have been married for almost three years now. I am also a freshman college student. Meanwhile I have had many friends get married in the last year and feel like in the past week I have heard so and so is pregnant so many times, I'm thinking I better check to see if I am.

Don't get me wrong I wouldn't trade my kids for the world but I would do things differently if I could go back. Why did I quit school? Where would we be if I hadn't quit school? I even find myself wondering if Kevin and I would still be together. But maybe thats why I did quit, because he is who I'll spend the rest of my life with. I've lost touch with so many people, so many people that I didn't want to lose touch with. I try not to think about it much, but I really don't have any good girl friends any more. I'm working on changing that though.

I hope that my kids don't have kids so early in life. They are wonderfull, but never again will I be someone who doesn't worry about her kids. Life will never be that care free again. For anybody with kids you know what I'm talking about, but you won't understand fully untill you've had a child.

I feel like I'm juggling lately, we start ECFE tomorrow, I've got papers due monday and chapters to read, meanwhile keeping up on the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning and keeping the smile on my face. Most days its not to hard to do, but then once in a while I think about how diffrent life could be. I wonder what it might be like down a diffrent road, where will we be in five years, ten years, a year.........

My First Blog

Okay so this is my first blog ever! I got the idea to start one from my English witting class I'm taking. I recently started back to school, just doing generals at the moment but plan to be an English teacher some day. I am love love loving going back to school, it has been the best thing I've done for myself in a long time! I'm hoping this will help my creative side develop and I'm already addicted to this, hopefully I'll keep up with it.

I am also a mom of two wonderful boys, 2 years and 2 months. Needless to say I have my hands full. I am blessed with a wonderful husband, while marriage has been an adjustment I think we are doing pretty well for the most part. We are a very busy bunch, always on the run and never home on the weekends.

Okay so I'm looking for tips, are there things I should do when I start this thing? Thanks for any input e-mail me at mrsthull@yahoo.com

Enjoy Shawn